My JOURNEY To Becoming a Mom – Struggles of Infertility

Becoming a Mom was not something that I thought would be a journey. As a little girl I always imagined growing up and being a Mom. It seemed like a given. As I grew older I learned that there were women who had a hard time becoming pregnant and some who never had the opportunity to have their own baby. The desire of my heart was to be a Mom and I always prayed that I would have a child. I specifically wanted a little girl! Before I write about my journey I’m sure you can tell that God did fulfill the desire of my heart. He has gifted me with a beautiful baby girl!

 

Let’s start this journey in 2015. That was the year that I got married. My husband had 3 boys from a previous marriage and we had always discussed adding one more to the family when we got married. Given the ages of the children and our ages as parents (if we are honest) we planned to add to our family sooner rather than later. Some may say that year I became a “Mom” because of my step boys. That will be another post for another time. I didn’t become a Mom, I became a Step-Mom and those two things are very different; in my opinion. One of the best memories of that wedding day, though, was when my soon to be step son said “today I get a Step-Mom!” He was so excited and it made me feel so happy.

 

When we decided to start trying to add this ours baby to the mix I was so nervous about whether or not I would be able to have a baby. The first month that pregnancy was a possibility I bought a pregnancy test just because but I thought it may be too ambitious. Then, what do you know! It was positive. I was in shock. In so much shock that I didn’t even tell my husband for like another week. I took another test and it was positive. I was filled with so much excitement and joy that I could hardly contain myself. I wanted to tell everyone I knew but also knew the risk of miscarriage, so I kept it private. We did tell our parents. Everyone was excited and I felt a sense of relief that my fears of not being able to get pregnant were squashed!

 

As the first ultrasound appointment approached I was nervous but excited. I was so naïve going to that first appointment. I had all the normal symptoms of pregnancy and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. On the way to the appointment my husband was calming and said people have babies all the time it will be fine. When the doctor started the ultrasound I could tell by her face that something was not right. She kept looking at the monitor and then said the dreaded words “I don’t hear a heartbeat.” She then added that it could be that it’s too early. I was 7 weeks pregnant and she said that sometimes there is a heartbeat in a week or two but 90% of the time it means that this is not a “viable pregnancy.” I understood what the words meant but couldn’t believe this was happening to me. She said “come back in two weeks and we will know more.” Two weeks! I thought how am I going to make it two weeks not knowing if this baby is alive or not.

 

I cried and worried for two weeks about something that I had absolutely no control over. It was so hard to go about my life as if nothing were happening. I went to work, cared for my step kids, and watched what I ate in case I was pregnant with a healthy baby. In the midst of doing the normal daily activities I would find time to cry and pray that this pregnancy was viable. I also prayed that God would bless me with a healthy child and if this child was not going to be healthy or have a good life then he would take him or her to heaven now.

 

The day came for me to go to the doctor’s appointment. I was nervous beyond anything I could ever explain. The doctor came into the room with a not so hopeful look. The ultrasound began and I could see on the screen that there was no movement. Doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat and this was a pregnancy that would result in a miscarriage. As she started to explain my options I was trying my best to hold back tears. I don’t remember if I was successful or not, but I definitely know that after that day I cried SOOO many times. I was beyond heartbroken. To the world this was a miscarriage and it happens and at least I could get pregnant and whatever else people say to make you feel better. The truth to me was I was losing my first child. To me this was already a baby. To me I had already imagined whether it would be a boy or a girl. To me I had imagined my life with this baby.

 

I left that doctor’s appointment with a prescription to help the miscarriage along. I talked with husband and planned to miscarry my first child on what happened to be my first nieces birthday. We didn’t tell my step kids about this pregnancy so I planned the miscarriage on a weekend that they were not at our house. I waited another week from that last doctor’s appointment hoping my body would miscarry naturally. I was 10 weeks along by the time I inducted the miscarriage. I couldn’t stand to carry on with my normal daily life knowing that my first born child was not alive inside of me. If you have had this experience then you know exactly what I’m talking about. I couldn’t wait another day and had to say goodbye to this pregnancy.

 

After the miscarriage we started to try again. I was hopeful and figured I would be pregnant again easily. But again, that was not the case. Month after month seeing that pregnancy test show NOT PREGNANT was so sad. I started to wonder if I would be a Mom. I was upset with God that I got pregnant so easily and now nothing. My fear of not becoming a Mom was seeming to be true.

 

I decided that I didn’t want to give up so easily. I was in my 30’s but didn’t want to wait too long to try and conceive. My husband agreed that if we couldn’t get pregnant naturally then we would explore IVF. That is exactly what we ended up doing. The IVF journey is a completely different post and one that I hope will help other women explore this as an option and get through the process. Luckily my first round of IVF worked. I was able to get 5 embryos from that round. To make the journey even more challenging 2 days before my egg retrieval surgery our house burnt down! We continued on with the process and 5 days after retrieval we had our fresh embryo implanted.

When our house burnt down we were left with nothing. The fire started in the middle of the night and we left with what we were wearing, my husband grabbed a few items, and I grabbed my IVF medication! So in the midst of navigating this IVF process we now had to rebuild a house and buy everything all over again. Not to mention all those things that can never be replaced.

 

After the embryo is implanted they tell you to not take a pregnancy test but wait for the blood tests they give. Ummm yea right! I couldn’t wait. I bought a pregnancy test and took it right before the first blood test. I waited patiently in the bathroom and didn’t tell anybody that I was taking this test. I looked and it said PREGNANT! Oh my goodness! I was shocked and excited but even more nervous this time than the last one. When the nurse called after the blood work was complete I was not surprised when she said “I have great news.” The process of IVF includes more blood tests to confirm pregnancy and viability, many ultrasounds, and lots of shots! I didn’t know this until I was a part of this process but you have to have shots through the first trimester.

 

Each milestone passed with great news. First ultra sound HEARTBEAT! Second, third, and so on still a heartbeat. Baby was looking great. We also chose to have the gender revealed through blood work. And it said GIRL! It all seemed too good to be true. God gave me this scripture even before I knew I was pregnant, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:237. I also felt in my heart that I would have a girl. This was all confirmed and this scripture stayed with me throughout my pregnancy.

 

Being pregnant was the best experience of my life. I loved all of it. Even though I was scared, I tried to embrace the pregnancy without fear. Then one day I was heading out shopping and started at Target. I had to pee as I usually did with this pregnancy. I went into the bathroom and not too be too graphic but saw red. You can fill in the blanks. My heart dropped. I was about 10 weeks pregnant and thought this is it I’m miscarrying this baby too. I went home, called my doctor, and then headed to the office for an ultrasound. I was in such a weird place as I drove to the doctor’s office. I was prepared for the doctor to say those dreaded words again, but also felt that God had given me the scripture on peace. It was hard to hold onto that as I drove to face whatever the reality was.

 

The doctor called me back and was very calm and said “let’s take a look.” Have I mentioned how nervous I was? I looked at the monitor of the ultrasound and saw the little heart fluttering. She said there is your baby, it all looks good. Just at that moment the baby fluttered around and she said “oh look, your baby is saying mommy don’t worry about me I’m ok.” Oh I was so relieved at that moment. My baby was ok! And that was the first time someone had directly called me a mommy! Finally the moment came. I left that appointment with relief and excitement.

 

Over the course of the pregnancy I battled between being excited and enjoying the pregnancy and worrying that it was all too good to be true. Even when I went out on maternity leave I still worried some about the birth of the baby and if she would be ok. Finally she came. My birth story is not all that exciting, but maybe I’ll share that one someday. It was surprisingly uneventful until 5 days after I gave birth. Then that was a very eventful postpartum story! Yet, that is another blog post!

 

My baby finally arrived, and I was so happy to finally hold her in my arms. I couldn’t believe she was mine. She was the prettiest baby I had ever seen and that’s my truth! I was for the first time a REAL MOM. At least by the standards of our world. It was such an amazing feeling to be a Mom because that’s always what I wanted to be. I held onto faith until this moment arrived. God did fulfill the desire of my heart. Keep holding onto faith and allow God to fulfill his promise to you. It may not look exactly like you had planned. My story sure didn’t! But he is faithful.

– Tracy @mommytracerq