Waiting for that first ultrasound appointment was nerve wracking! We had the first ultrasound appointment around 6-7 weeks. If this is the first blog post you are reading, then jump back and read My IVF Journey Part 3 of ? – Fresh Transfer Day and if you are really interested, start from the beginning My IVF Journey part 1 of ?.
I can’t explain all the emotions that I was feeling going into this first ultrasound appointment. When I was pregnant with my first baby, that I miscarried, I remember driving with my husband to the first ultrasound appointment. I felt nervous then but I also didn’t expect to hear the doctor say there is no heartbeat, but it could be too early. I naively didn’t know that was even a possibility. So for me the first ultrasound brought back a lot of sad feelings.
My husband and I drove to the first appointment and I felt beyond nervous. The nurse took us back to the room and started gathering all my vital signs. My blood pressure was high! She was concerned and said are you nervous? Umm, yes! After taking it a second time and seeing it was still high she said maybe we will take it after the ultrasound. Waiting for the doctor to come in felt like an eternity. The doctor came in and she set up. The picture came on the screen and honestly, I can’t tell what I’m looking at. I see a spot that is flashing but I don’t hear anything. My heart sinks and I can’t help but thinking it’s happening again, no heartbeat, no baby, I’ll never be a real Mom. The doctor says okay and then pauses. My heart is prepared for the worst. Then she said oh see that flutter right there, that’s your baby’s heartbeat, oh I forgot to turn the sound on, let’s listen… And then I hear the heartbeat of my daughter for the first time. I am so happy and relieved. My husband had seen this before so he realized that the flutter on the screen was the heartbeat. I didn’t know that! I am so excited. The heartbeat is strong and the doctor is so happy for us that the first IVF transfer has been successful. She shares that the pregnancy is looking great and congratulates us. The doctor and nursing staff have been so sweet and knowing our house burnt down makes them even more excited that we are getting this good news. And yes if you are new to the blog my house burnt down two days before the egg retrieval, catch that story My IVF Journey Part 2 of ? – shots, shots, FIRE.
For me getting past the first ultrasound was a huge hurtle. I am relieved and happy to now ease into this pregnancy. I try to not feel worried about a miscarriage but it’s hard to not think about it. I have people telling me to not worry and enjoy every minute of the pregnancy. When you have suffered a loss before, it’s almost impossible to not worry. At least that was my case. We have ultrasounds more often because of the IVF process, so we go for a second one and all continues to look great. I am feeling confident about the pregnancy and the scripture that God gave me about having peace. For me it feels like just when I feel confident about something in life, boom…something comes up. Now that’s not a pessimistic statement because I’m not feeling like Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh, ya know…look it up if you don’t know what I mean!). But lately, it has felt like one thing after another.
I’m about 9 weeks pregnant and feeling like I’m settling into this pregnancy thing. My confidence is rising because I’m close to the end of the first trimester, which is typically the scary zone. It’s a beautiful Friday morning and I decide that I would like to go do some fun shopping. Not target buying the essentials but someplace fun like Nordstrom! I also enjoy shopping days with just me sometimes, so I get ready and take off to go shopping. The Nordstrom by where I live is a little bit of a drive, so heading out of town I realize that I have to pee. Maybe too much information but with this pregnancy I have had to pee like every 30 minutes since the moment I became pregnant! It’s annoying and feels time consuming but I embrace it because I’m pregnant and happy! I don’t want to feel uncomfortable for the drive so I stop by the local Target to run and use the restroom. I am thinking that this is a great day, I’m finally pregnant and feeling excited for my future. I go in to use the restroom and my heart sinks! I look down and see bright red. My heart is pounding and I just stare. When I wipe it’s also bright red. Any Google search will tell you that this is NOT a good sign. I am in shock, literally. I walk back to my car and think great, it’s happening, I’m miscarrying this baby. I truly hate days that start off like a normal day and then BOOM something happens and changes everything. I call my husband to let him know that I am heading back home because I’ve started to bleed. He stutters and says okay. The drive home was only 5 minutes and all the way there I am trying to process this situation. I believe the evidence is saying miscarriage but my heart is saying it’s going to be okay. I don’t know what to believe, so I just try to zone out and it works. I feel numb.
I get on the phone with my doctor while I am driving back home. They schedule me for an emergency ultrasound appointment in like 2 hours. There is a clinic in my hometown but no appointments were available, so I’ll have to go to the next town over. The nurse on the phone is empathetic and says that she hopes the best for me. I say thank you and hang up. I go into the house to tell my husband the plan. He doesn’t say much. I think he just didn’t know what to say. I’m thinking that he will go with me to the appointment because I’m nervous, bleeding, in shock, and, and, and…so many other things. I can’t recall why but for some reason he can’t go with me to the appointment. I remember feeling so alone and let down in this moment. Whatever he had going on, I can’t believe that he wouldn’t drop it to go with me to this very important appointment. I was hurt but just put one foot in front of the other and drove to the appointment by myself. It’s about a 40 minute drive and looking back I probably should have had someone else take me. But I’m a strong independent woman…right! I can do it. And so I did. During this entire pregnancy my husband has been amazing but this was a moment when he was not. This is real life guys. We later talk about this and he apologies, I forgive, and we move on.
Arriving to the appointment, I am still in shock. I have not cried yet. I have stayed focused on the facts and waiting to see what the ultrasound reveals. I’m oddly detached from all emotions. By the time I get to the doctor the bleeding has slowed but I’m not given hope by this. And if this is too much information, then this is not the blog for you! I am real and think that real life should be shared. The doctor takes me back after what feels like an eternity. She says okay let’s just get right to it and see what we got here. This is not the doctor I have been seeing but someone new. I like her straightforward attitude! She begins the ultrasound and I look at the screen. Now I know a little more about what I’m looking at and I see the flutter. She has the sound ON, so I immediately hear the heartbeat. Then the little girl inside of me waves her hand back and forth. The doctor says oh look baby says hi Mom I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I cry now! I’m relieved and doctor says the heartbeat looks great. She sees no signs of a miscarriage and explains that during the first trimester some women can show bleeding. Mine is not concerning to her and she thinks all is well. This is also the first time someone has called me a MOM or referred to this little thing inside of me as a BABY. I leave the appointment with relief and feeling so happy.
I call my own Mom first to tell her the great news. I then call my husband to tell him the news. At this point I had not talked with my husband about how upset I was that he didn’t go with me to this appointment. I just tell him the good news and in my mind I know we will talk later. And for curious minds…we do talk. Like I said earlier we forgave and moved on. There was miscommunication on both sides BUT I still think he should have gone to the appointment, haha. And I still can’t recall what else he did instead.
During my first trimester I continued to show signs of bleeding. This was so unsettling but at every ultrasound appointment things were good. Baby was good and things were progressing. I hated to see the bleeding but I had to deal with it for about 4 more weeks! It was dreadful.
My heart felt peace throughout the rest of the pregnancy. I did have doubt creep in but I was able to push it aside and trust that God had given me the scripture of peace and all would be well. I love sharing this journey with you all. And spoiler alert if you don’t already know, this pregnancy gives me my beautiful BABY GIRL. She is a constant reminder that God keeps his promises.
-Tracy @mommytracerq
MommyTracerQ Fashion.Lifestyle.Mommyhood. 