The TEXT (From The EX) Top 5 Tips on How to Respond

If you have been a part of a high conflict blended family for any amount of time, then you know what I mean by the title of this blog post. Life is going along in its normal fashion and then THE TEXT from the EX. It could say a multitude of things but one thing is for certain it’s usually not good. It could be sent directly to you or your partner. It triggers first the emotional reaction, strong feelings, and then many many conversations about what to do next. As the Step-Mom this text triggers so many emotions such as frustration, hurt (why is this happening again), sadness, and sometimes anxiety about what’s next. So in those moments I have learned the hard way that I too need a way to cope. Step-Mom, here are my top five tips for how to respond when you get The TEXT from the EX:

1. WAIT before you reply. This is so hard to do but certainly a must. If you reply right away then you are speaking from pure emotion and probably adrenaline. You are not in any type of space to think and behave in a rational manner. While it might feel good to say exactly how you feel, you will most likely say things you regret later. So, wait. Take time to think and process what your next steps really should be. I would give it at least 24 hours, if not more. Brain science will tell you that you have certainly flipped your lid in this moment and you can’t access the part of your brain used to make good judgements. If you haven’t seen Dr. Dan Siegel talk about this then take a look at this video, Dan Siegel Hand Model of the Brain . So, WAIT!
2. Take a moment and JOURNAL. This is the best way to get all those feelings out! You can say whatever you want to. Let it rip. And the best part is this won’t end up in a court document someday. That text message that you send most certainly will, and it may not have been your best moment. So, write it down and get those feelings out.
3. Stepmom take a STEP back. This is a moment when it’s not about you. Sure the text may mention you or have something to point a finger at you, but trust me…it’s not about you. This is a scene that was created before you came into the picture. This is between the family that was before you were even thought of. This is probably the hardest one for me to remember. It can feel very personal, especially when the EX says something directly about you. There are so many feelings from the EX toward her ex-husband and feelings she has about her children that are powering this text message. So take my advice and permission to take a STEP back. Let your husband deal with it and support him as he does. You’ll know when you are needed to step in but permission to step back is granted!
4. Take CARE of YOU. Yes this one deserves two capital words, CARE and YOU. This text could trigger a night of frustration or it could be the opening door to months of legal litigation and therapy visits. You just never know. When the first text comes through be sure that you are being mindful of all the ways to take care of you. Focus on doing things you enjoy, exercise, shop, read, have coffee, whatever makes you feel good…do it! Hopefully this text is only short lived but if it’s not then you are ready Step-Mom. You got this!
5. This too shall PASS. It’s hard to imagine in this moment but this too shall pass. You’ve been here before and you will be here again. The important thing is to remind yourself that you are in one of those high conflict moments but it will not last forever. While it may seem like the drama is never ending, there really are times when the drama is not so high and runs at a lower level. So, whatever the text is… it’ll pass.

These tips are not easy to live by in the moments when that text message comes through. I have used this list to remind myself of how to respond or not respond when that message is sent that triggers emotions. The last tip is so important because it’s not forever. Life will return to a stable place again. If you missed it, read about my perspective on STEP Parenting, I think it’s worth it and rewarding but geez it’s not easy!

-Tracy @mommytracerq