4 Reasons Why Mom GUILT is Even Stronger After Infertility

Ever heard of Mom guilt? Probably so. A lot of articles, blog posts, and hashtags are floating around on the internet regarding it. At some point in time I think all Moms feel a sense of guilt about something. We worry we are not meeting societal expectations, or our child’s expectations, our own expectations or someone’s expectations of what a mother should be like. There is a whole extra layer of guilt when you are a Mom who has experienced infertility. Read about my infertility journey from the beginning My IVF Journey part 1 of ?. When those “normal” Mom GUILT feelings arise I then think about all those days I cried and prayed to just be a Mom. Then not only do I have regular Mom guilt about whatever I was concerned with in the first place but now I have guilt on top of that. Here are my top 4 reasons why I think Mom guilt is even stronger after infertility:

1. This is what I PRAYED for.. Well I didn’t exactly pray for guilt but I did pray that I’d be a Mom. I then think, I should be savoring each moment and not feeling guilty at all. It’s almost like I feel I can’t have any moments of frustration or complaint about motherhood because this is exactly what I prayed for. In fact, I prayed that I could experience these emotions of motherhood. Why does it feel so guilt ridden when a woman with infertility feels normal motherhood frustrations?
2. This is what I HOPED for. I hoped and hoped that I’d be a Mom someday. I should not complain because I could still be struggling with infertility. There are so many women who continue to struggle with infertility and many who don’t see their dream fulfilled. I wanted a baby and prayed that if God would just do this for me then I’d…fill in blank with whatever promise you can think of.  God certainly did fulfill his promise to me but the intensity of guilt I feel in these moments is so strong. I actually remind myself that this is what I hoped for. Not the frustration but the chance to have a baby and experience all those normal Mom feelings! Well congrats, you now get to feel guilty, welcome to motherhood.

3. This is what I LONGED for. This journey of infertility, then finally pregnancy, and a baby can trigger some survivor guilt. I feel so grateful to have my daughter in my arms, but it also leaves me feeling guilty that here I am with a baby and some women never got the chance. I remember all too well that feeling of not having a baby.

4. Most of ALL, you know what it feels like to NOT have a baby, so be grateful, and NO complaining…like at all! I remember seeing the posts from Mom’s who would say things like I’m so tired, I was up all night with my baby #nosleep #momlife #blahblahblah. Or they may say My house is a mess #kidsdontcare #littlehurricanes. These are not real posts or hashtags but just examples of Mom Life things. The point is, I remember wanting these things so badly. I prayed for my little girl and said I would do anything to get her. I meant it. I remember vividly thinking and praying that I could be that person complaining (in the best way possible) about having to care for a baby or clean up after a toddler. Needless to say the Mom guilt is strong now that I actually have the chance to experience sleepless nights, crying, tantrums, being thrown up on…aww the joys of motherhood. In my moments of you’ve got to be kidding me smalls (I literally say those words) I am reminded, by guilt, that this is exactly what I asked for!

As a therapist when you hear a client say the words should and should not you want to interrupt that thought process, empathize as needed, normalize thoughts and feelings but then look at the situation from a realistic perspective. The realistic perspective  here is there is not a should or should not. We are all different and all experience our emotions in different ways. It’s okay to have those normal Mom feelings which range from feeling like a superwoman to feeling like you are totally inadequate for the job. Just because you may have experienced infertility doesn’t make you immune to the normal Mom feelings. It’s okay to have moments of frustration or just hoping your little one takes a 3 hour nap! You know what a precious gift your child is, and you do savor all the moments.  You of all people know it’s not easy to have a baby.

I think my biggest take away from Mom guilt after infertility is to not be so hard on myself. And you shouldn’t be either if you can relate to anything I’ve said in this post. It’s okay to feel happy, frustrated, overwhelmed, grossed out at times, excited, add in your feeling…it’s okay to feel it all. It doesn’t make you any different from a Mom who got pregnant easily. It just makes you a human! I think for me, I know how badly I wanted ALL of this. I am happy for every moment, even the Mom guilt moments. This is exactly what I PRAYED for, HOPED for, and LONGED for! The moments of pure JOY, GRATITUDE, and HAPPINESS far outweigh any guilty feeling.

#grateful #stilltiredthough #MOMLIFE (I can finally say that).

-Tracy @mommytracerq