Step-Mom Comebacks When it Comes to Infertility: Top 8 things people say to us and how to respond

Step-Mom is already a tough role to play in life. Then when you add infertility on top of that, whew things just got even more interesting. A recent post Being A Step-Mom With Infertility! 6 Tips to Keep Your Sanity, shared tips on how to manage this difficult time in your life. Tip 1, was Be PICKY about what comments you listen to from other people.  The things people say to us Step-Moms (or just women) with infertility is amazing. To be fair, I don’t think that people are setting out to be hurtful. I actually believe they have good intentions but it doesn’t always come across that way. With that in mind, we can’t control the things that people say to us but we can have a response. Spoiler alert, sometimes the comeback is no response at all. We can’t win ‘em all!

So here we go: How to come back at things people say to the infertile Step-Mom:

1. This is why you don’t wait until you are in your 30s to have kids. Yes, thank you captain obvious. In my situation it wasn’t like I intentionally waited until I was in my 30s to start having children. I would venture to guess if you are struggling with infertility and you’re a Step-Mom, chances are this isn’t the life you had planned exactly. So, the best comeback for this one: smile, nod and then move on.
2. At least your husband already has kids. This makes me feel even worse, thanks. This one comment always stung. Yes he already has kids. So if WE don’t have a kid then I’m the only one that gets to lose out on being a parent. People would make this statement as if that made it better. It didn’t. I would try to acknowledge the fact that yes my husband has children but that doesn’t make my desire to be a Mom change. I aimed to either help the person see my perspective or I would smile, nod and leave really fast so I could go cry somewhere!
3. Don’t worry about it, it’ll happen. Oh okay, don’t worry…I’ll do that! I know this statement out of all of them is intended to be helpful. The fact is I didn’t know if I would be a Mom. So my comeback was…no response. I felt like I had the right to worry about it. How could I not worry about something so important to me? 
4. If you worry too much it won’t happen. So me worrying or not is why I can’t get pregnant…Umm, okay. I was already worried; as stated above. So worry or not, I had to trust that maybe I’d be a Mom someday or maybe I wouldn’t. Come back…smile, nod and move on. Also take one step a time and try to not worry too much (not healthy for ya!).
5. Have you considered adoption? Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with adoption. Let’s not get this one twisted. Some women do end up deciding on adoption and I’ve known some women who didn’t want a biological child but wanted to adopt. There are so many variations. I was also a child therapist who worked with many families who chose adoption. But when you want a biological child and the experience of being pregnant, as I did, then this comment stings. Adoption is great but that was not my plan and for me the only comeback to this one was an honest one. Yes but I know adoption is not for me. (smile, nod, move on)
6. Does your husband really want more kids, he already has 3! Wow, ouch. Having another baby was something I talked with my husband about very early in our relationship. I knew I wanted to be a Mom and it would have been a deal breaker if he had said he was done having children. This comment from others is so weird. I don’t even know what to say about it. Just smile! That’s all. And keep sarcasm to the minimum. 
7. Maybe you’re not meant to be a Mom, they do say those that can’t do teach. Wow, just because I’m a child therapist doesn’t mean that I am not meant to be a Mom. This statement might be one that is just hurtful. I had this said to me and I was devastated. Yes, I did teach children and parents how to live life to the fullest but that in no way meant I wasn’t supposed to be a Mom. My comeback for this was to not smile, leave and cry. Like a lot! 
8. Every time I wanted to get pregnant I did; It was easy, I have two kids: Well thanks for letting me know I’m not like you! Having children seems to come easy for some and very difficult for others. Then there are many others who never get the chance. It didn’t help to hear about people talk about how easy it was to get pregnant. Or people saying Don’t drink the water around here, you’ll get pregnant! Yes because that’s exactly how it works (insert LOL). My come back, oh your baby was free…mine was not so she’s a designer baby, #ivfbaby. For more on that…I shared my full journey on the blog, start reading here: IVF BABY

If you haven’t noticed by now the theme of how to respond is SMILE, NOD, and MOVE ON. And sometimes CRY. Deep down I believe people are saying these comments to us because they really don’t know what to say! I believe people have good intentions and these comments are not intended to be malicious. They still hurt and infertility is such a hard journey, comments or not. It’s also a very individualized journey. These tips are my perspective, with a little sarcasm thrown in. I hope you find peace in your journey and at the end get your miracle baby like I did! If you have helpful tips please share in the comments. 

-Tracy @mommytracerq