3 Tips on Navigating Mother’s DAY as a Step-Mom with Infertility

Navigating Mother’s Day as a Step-Mom can be rough but there is an added sadness when you are the Step-Mom with infertility. Mother’s DAY has brought so many mixed emotions for me over the years as you can read in It’s MOTHER’S Day!. I thought becoming a Step-Mom would ease the sadness on mother’s day but to my surprise it only made it worse. Then I became a Step-Mom struggling with infertility and experienced a sadness like I had never felt before. Infertility is a terrible experience even without being a Step-Mom, but there is sad sting that comes with being the Step-Mom experiencing infertility. If you are interested to know more about my infertility journey as a Step-Mom start here: My IVF Journey part 1 of ?.

I hope that this post gives you 3 quick tips on how to manage this day and find a way to make it joyful.

1. Get OFF social media: Seriously do it. Actually wait until you read this post! But right after you read this post log off. There is a reason why I am posting this the day before mother’s day. If I am going to give you advice to log off then I don’t want to put up a post about the very thing you are trying to avoid. Social media will just make it worse. You will for sure see some post that triggers an emotion. I have a love-hate relationship with social media. I have found many great friendships from it but there have also been times when I deliberately log off and don’t engage because it’s just too triggering. Mother’s day is even a day that I still log off. Even though I am a Mom now and my infertility journey ended in an IVF miracle, I can’t look at the posts on this day because emotions are triggered. For me I think about the baby that I lost and what he/she would have been like. I also think of my role as a Step-Mom and seeing posts about all the sweet things that husbands and step kids are doing for their bonus Mom can be difficult. Side note: I don’t like the term bonus Mom more about that at a later time.
2. Plan something for just YOU: At the time I am writing this post we are all under lockdown due to COVID-19. With social distancing and places being closed this can be a tricky tip. Still there are things that can be done for YOU on this day. My plan is to take a drive to the Starbucks drive thru and enjoy an extra hot Mocha plus a butter croissant warmed, listening to country music, and facetime my Mom. Whatever you do plan it ahead of time. I would say have no expectation for the how the day will go with your step kids but that sounds too therapist like and I can’t do that to you. But really if you go into the day with a plan and try not to imagine what will or will not happen then you might just enjoy this day despite the emotions behind it struggling with infertility and whatever your step kids (and husband) may do or not do for you on this day. If you really do have expectations then be sure to talk to your husband ahead of time. Navigating mother’s day for his kid’s Step-Mom is also not easy and he may need help!
3. Read the History of Mother’s Day: As I was preparing this blog post I decided to read the history on how mother’s day originated. I love history and as a therapist I believe history helps add perspective to a current situation or way of being. Plus history can help us learn and make changes to influence our present. Did you know that the lady who advocated for mother’s day to be placed on the calendar never became a mother herself? I was shocked by this and maybe I am late to the game, but I have never researched the history of mother’s day. The lady’s name was Anna Jarvis. She advocated for the day to be placed on the calendar after her mother’s death and as a way to honor mother’s for the sacrifices they make for their children. Her mother Ann Reeves Jarvis originally started “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” just prior to the Civil War to teach women how to care for their children in a proper manner. It was from this idea that Anna Jarvis pushed for mother’s day to be celebrated annually and placed on the calendar as an official holiday. She was successful but as soon as she saw it was turning into a commercial holiday then she started to lobby to have it removed from the calendar. As we all know, she was not successful but did end up disowning the holiday all together until her death in 1948. For more on the history click here: Mother’s Day History. For me the history of the holiday has helped to ease the sting of sadness…a little. This very holiday was created by a woman without children. She created the day to celebrate her mother and all women who take care of children. And by that definition this holiday is one for you STEP-MOM!

You Step-MOM take care of children that you did not birth. You do not have an obligation to care for them yet you do. I hope that you are celebrated today but if you are not then take tip number 2 and find a way to make that celebration happen for yourself. You deserve it. There is nothing that I can say in this post to help take away the sadness that you feel on this day as you struggle with infertility. I get it, I’ve been there. Read tips #1 and #2 over again. That is my advice and I sincerely pray that you get the desire of your heart by next Mother’s Day. Find joy in Mother’s Day; you deserve it.

-Tracy @Mommytracerq