STEP Parenting

I became a Step-Mom, officially, 4 years ago. The children were young and I can recall sitting in the living room with their Dad telling them that we were getting married. I was nervous because I didn’t know how they would react. I thought that they liked having me around but I didn’t know how they would take the news of their Dad getting married. The kids were excited and I was relieved. They jumped up and down and said yay we get a step-mom. The moment filled my heart with joy and I embarked on the blended family adventure! And if you have never read my blog start from the beginning read A little ABOUT me.

The role of stepparent is not an easy one. Many people will state you knew what you were getting yourself into. And if you ask MOST step parents they will say they had no idea. There is no way to know ahead of time what your blended family or step parenting role will look like. You think you know exactly what you are getting into or signing up for but the reality is NO. What I can say is that mine has been difficult but also wonderful. There are many moments when I feel like I made the best decision and there are other moments when I feel the opposite. I think that’s the nature of a blended family. Naja Hall said “A smart stepparent recognizes that sometimes they’re the leading man. Sometimes they’re the stage hand. And other times they’re not in the scene at all. It’s most ideal to be able to swiftly transition into each of these roles like flowing water. Stepparents, be water.” This hit me so hard! You have to adapt and change. Sometimes you feel involved and like your opinion matters and at other times you may feel like a glorified baby sitter. Knowing where that invisible boundary lies is the hardest part for me. Sometimes I feel accomplished and like I’ve held the boundary well and other times I don’t.

I have a one year old daughter and I am beginning the role of parenting her. I do find that parenting her is much easier. I don’t have to worry about boundaries or stepping on someone’s toes because I’m her Mom. I wanted her to take swim lessons this summer (mommy and me swim), so I signed her up. I didn’t have to worry about asking her Dad (although I did, ha), or asking the attorneys or asking the therapist, or or or… I just got to do it. That is a benefit of me being the Mom. It was stress free to sign her up and just go! I would never be able to do this for one of my step sons. If I did I would be overstepping my boundaries.

Bottom line is Step Parenting is hard. This is a dynamic that no one imagines when they first set out to have a family. No one thinks of divorce and becoming a blended family. However, it happens. Step Parenting is a journey that I navigate in different ways on a daily basis. I look to lots of things for support like Naja Hall and Jamie Scrimgeour to not feel alone. The struggle of being a Step-Mom is REAL. It’s worth it but hard. I love how Naja and Jamie have made it acceptable for Step-Mom’s to reach out for support. There is a lot of support if you are a Mom. If you are a Step-Mom there is not a lot of support that is blatant, but it is out there.

Whether you have been a stepparent for 20 years or 2 minutes I encourage you to seek out support. Even if you have the best of situations, at some point you will need support. I had no idea that there were online communities for step Moms or others who felt like I did. Being a therapist myself you would think that I had some insight into this but I really didn’t. I had worked with Step Moms before but until I became one I didn’t really understand. Now I get it. It’s hard. It’s rewarding. It’s worth it. Keep going!

-Tracy @mommytracerq