Being A Step-Mom With Infertility! 6 Tips to Keep Your Sanity

Step-Mom! Infertility! The. Struggle. Is. Real. Can you relate?

Infertility, that word brings so many feelings along with it. Step-Mom, there is another word that also brings so many feelings. Now imagine combining those two big words and yikes, let the rollercoaster of emotions begin! In all honesty, these are two words that I never thought would be associated with me. I never expected to be a Step-Mom (who really does) and I never expected to experience infertility (who wants that). This is exactly where I found myself, a Step-Mom with infertility. Take a look back on this post to see where this story began, My JOURNEY To Becoming a Mom – Struggles of Infertility

For me becoming a Step-Mom and having 3 little boys to look after only made my desire to have a child of my own stronger but it also made the pain of infertility more intense. I absolutely loved my Step-Mom roll, except I wanted to be someone’s Mommy without the STEP. I knew that I wanted to have a child and the pain that came from infertility is like none other. In the midst of struggling with pregnancy loss, negative pregnancy tests month to month, and infertility treatments I still had to show up as a Step-Mom. I still had to make the lunches, do the laundry, give baths, etc. The list of “Mom” duties continue and yet here I was without a child of my own. It was painful and I wish I would have had some tips and tricks on how to deal with the difficulty of it all. Take a look at my top 6 tips on how to keep your sanity while being a Step-Mom trying to conceive.

Be PICKY about what comments you listen to from other people. Oh the comments! I honestly believe that people have good intentions but sometimes it seems they just don’t think it out before they say it to you. Here are some of my favorites from my journey:
- Don’t worry about it, it’ll happen
- If you worry too much it won’t happen
- Maybe you should have had kids when you were younger?
- At least your husband already has kids (really…ouch)
- Have you considered adoption?
- Does your husband really want more kids? He already has 3!

Some of these really bothered me. I wish that I would have been picky about which comments I took to heart. So be picky and really try to ignore the comments such as the ones above. People are trying to be helpful but let’s just say it…it’s not helpful! I’m going to take these things people say and write another post on how to respond, wait for it. Come back to the blog to check it out soon! And here it is, click this link: Step-Mom Comebacks When it Comes to Infertility: Top 8 things people say to us and how to respond

Don’t think BUT SHE didn’t have infertility issues. This thought can get you trapped in a whirlwind of emotions. Do not dwell on this thought. Yes, it’s a fact that there is another woman who was able to have children with your now husband. The thought that he had no problems in his first marriage with having children but now he does with me added so much pressure. Not only did I feel guilty that I couldn’t conceive easily but I also felt jealous that he already had kids. He told me that it would be sad if we couldn’t have an OURS baby, but to me the reality was he was a Dad. It didn’t matter if I ever had a child or not, he would be a father. He didn’t have to experience the struggle and pain of infertility with HER but he does with me. The real part of this point is don’t compare yourself to the first marriage. It’s not helpful or healthy for you. This is a time in your life when you should focus on you, your marriage and your future OURS baby.

Don’t focus on how you are not a Mom as you are doing ALL MOM THINGS for the kids. For some reason living with infertility and then doing Mom things was so hard. It felt like a punch in the gut as I was going about my Step-Mom role. It’s not that I didn’t want to take care of the kids rather it was a constant reminder that I may never get to experience the real deal. Don’t focus on that thought, try to keep it positive that you will get those experiences someday.
Stay as consistent as you can with YOUR daily routine. It’s so important to not lose yourself in the process of trying to conceive. Be sure that you are focusing on all the things that made you YOU before you were trying for this baby. For me it was staying consistent with going to work, working out, getting coffee with friends, shopping days, etc. It’s easy to get wrapped up in researching fertility treatments, signs of pregnancy, signs of pregnancy loss, signs of…the list goes on. Carve out time for those things but try to stay to your normal daily routine, not only keeping your body healthy but your mind as well.

Allow yourself MOMENTS to grieve and cry. I felt like I couldn’t grieve the fact that I had lost a pregnancy or that I couldn’t get pregnant again. I thought it would make my husband and step-kids feel bad if I showed how much I was grieving pregnancy loss and infertility. I tried to be strong and not show emotion. Now remember I am a therapist myself and know that this is probably not the best way to go. I think allowing time for grief and tears is essential. This is a tough time in life and you don’t know how it will turn out. So allow those tears to come but the important part is don’t stay stuck in that grief. After you’ve had your moment then intentionally do something else. Get your mind in a different space; journal positive affirmations, exercise, get a coffee!
Give yourself permission to WORRY about it. That’s right, permission to worry about it. You know you are going to anyway! So face it. I think that a very healthy thing to do is to face the worry. Name the worry and then find the positive side. I feel too often we try to not worry about things and to me it only fosters more worry. Just identify it for a while, then do something else; don’t get stuck in these emotions. To me trying to ignore it is like trying to ignore a zit on your nose. You know it’s there! Even if nobody else notices! Dan Siegel says, name it to tame it. So, here is permission to worry (for a moment) and then find something positive to think on.

I know it may seem easy for me to say these things when I know the end of my story. I was able to have an OURS baby. The road was certainly not easy but if you are anything like me then you are thinking but she has a baby so it’s easy to say this now…And yes you are correct, I know I am one of the lucky ones. I know what it’s like to be a Step-Mom with infertility so I hope that these tips will help you through this tough time! If you enjoyed reading this Follow this Blog. You can also catch me on Instagram sharing all sorts of things that make me ME @mommytracerq link under menu at the top of this page!

-Tracy @mommytracerq