I Survived a Brain BLEED

The day was July 5, 2018. I was 5 days postpartum and overall feeling great. I was soaking in all the experiences of being a new Mom and loving it. My little Averie was experiencing some jaundice and my husband and I were taking her to the doctor daily to monitor. I was actually feeling so great that I drove us all to the doctor that morning. I had a natural birth with no complications at the delivery. This day I remember commenting that the worst part of giving birth was hemorrhoids.  I know TMI but there is a reason I share this, the worst part was about to come and I didn’t even know it. At the doctor that morning we got the all clear that Averie’s jaundice had cleared up and we didn’t need to go back to the doctor to monitor this. I was relieved that Averie was good and we drove home to enjoy our newborn girl.

My parents came over around lunch and brought me a coffee. I was feeling so happy and excited to have my baby, finally. If you don’t know what I mean then take a look back on my IVF journey My IVF Journey part 1 of ?. My parents left and my husband and I were sitting on the couch talking and I was holding Averie. My step sons were with us and they were all in their bedrooms. Then suddenly I got a headache. I didn’t have a headache at all and then boom, HEADACHE! It was bad, like really BAD. My husband must have seen a reaction on my face because he asked me how bad was the pain on a scale from 1-10. I said without hesitation a 10. This was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Childbirth didn’t even hold a candle to what I was feeling in this moment. I knew something was wrong and asked that he take Averie. He took Averie and gave her to my oldest step son (15 years old) and took my blood pressure. My blood pressure was 160/90 (I believe). My husband immediately called 911 (and my parents to come back to the house) and I started to really freak out. I knew something was wrong in my head and was so scared as to what was happening in my body. I kept asking my husband “what are they are going to do with me?” He thought I was kind of losing my mind and didn’t know what I was talking about, but I knew exactly what I was saying. I meant “what are they going to do, it’s my head, does that mean surgery, will I die?” I didn’t say those things outloud but I clearly remember this day and I remember that statement. Throughout this terrible nightmare I never lost consciousness and remember it all.

The ambulance arrived and it felt like a million years getting loaded into the ambulance and having the EMT hook up my IV. I am sure it wasn’t that long but to me it felt like forever. I was in so much pain that I kept my hands on my head. There was a hospital located down the road from where we lived at that time (2 minutes away) and then there was the hospital where my insurance was (an hour away with commute traffic). I remember asking if they could take me to the nearest hospital. I wanted to get to a doctor as soon as possible. Because it was an emergency they stated that they could take me to the nearest hospital but only if I insisted. I insisted! I am not the type of person to go to the doctor easily or one to call 911 unless it’s a true emergency. I knew that whatever was happening, I needed a doctor FAST.

When we arrived at the ER the doctor came in and was talking with me about my symptoms. I had to pee, like really bad, so I asked if I could go the bathroom. As soon as I got up from the hospital bed the world felt odd. It’s so hard to describe but I felt kind of dizzy, the floor felt like it was moving in a wave, and I immediately said I needed to go back into the bed. I remember the doctor’s face during this time and he looked concerned. That is never a good feeling when an ER doctor looks concerned. He talked about how it could be preeclampsia (rare after giving birth but possible) but he also thought that I should get a CT scan of my head. I asked him if I was going to die and he said “not on my watch.”

They got me into the CT scan pretty fast and I had been in hospitals enough with family members to know that there is usually not a rush for tests unless it’s really serious. They took me upstairs to the CT scan and brought me back to my room. Almost immediately the nurses came in for a second time and said we need to take you for another CT scan this time with contrast. I knew it was bad. I had already known it was bad but now I knew they saw something in my head.

By the time I got back to the ER room my husband was standing in front of a computer screen with the image of a brain, talking to a different doctor. This time I had 4 nurses surrounding my bed and I knew it wasn’t good that so many people in the ER were paying so much attention to me. The original doctor came in and told me the news. I had a bleed in my brain, he couldn’t tell the source or how bad it was. He said that he was going to get me to the best doctors. He told me that there was a life flight (a.k.a. helicopter) on the way to take me to Stanford Medical Center. I started saying to my husband “this is bad, this is really bad.” I felt scared about what would happen next. I asked the doctor if I was going to die (again) and this time he said “you may die, this is life-threatening but that’s why I am getting you to the best doctor’s fast.” I don’t remember if I cried or not but I could tell my husband had been crying. I said to him “if I am going to be a vegetable because of this please just let me die.” I really meant that in the moment. I didn’t want to die but I also didn’t want to end up not being able to walk or talk or whatever a brain bleed meant.

I was then rushed off to the helicopter where I was airlifted to Stanford Medical Center Neurological ICU. This whole time I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. A part of me was also angry that this was happening. I waited forever to have a baby and I finally have her and now I may die. Or to me worse, become a vegetable. Sorry to put it that way but this is what my brain was thinking during these moments. The pain was almost unbearable. My head hurt so bad. I arrived at the hospital by myself because my husband and my Dad had to drive to the hospital. To get to Stanford during commute hours can take almost 3 hours. My Mom stayed behind to watch Averie.

As soon as I arrived in the ICU I was given a neurological test every hour. They would ask me various questions like my name, date of birth, what day it was, who is the president, what time it is, and they would also ask me to flex my foot, push with my foot, raise an eyebrow, raise the other one, etc. They were basically checking for signs of a stroke, which I didn’t know this in the beginning. I passed all of them and throughout this whole experience I never lost consciousness, never lost any skill sets, and remember almost the entire thing. Of course, with so many pain meds running through my body there were moments I don’t recall but it had nothing to do with my actual brain and everything to do with the medication. Oh and I should mention that because I was breast feeding and had no baby to feed…well let’s just say they had to call up a nurse from the maternity ward to help me out. I was the only person in the ICU also pumping!

The first night at the hospital they continued to check on me every hour and put in an A-Line to constantly check my blood pressure. When the doctor came in the next day to talk with me. He informed me that there was a bleed in my head and they felt it was from a vein not an artery. If it were from an artery then it would have been an aneurism. I found out that since it was a vein this is called a subarachnoid hemorrhage. He said that they would need to do a brain angiogram to determine what form of treatment I may need. He said there would be 3 options. 1 they have to do nothing because the bleed resolved itself, he said this happens 20% of the time. 2 they would need to put a coil or clamp on the vein to stop the bleed and they could do this during the angiogram. 3, and the worst option, is they can’t do the procedure through the angiogram and have to resort to opening my head up for surgery. I was hoping for option number 1.

Later that day I was wheeled on my hospital bed to an operating room for a brain angiogram. They went in through my leg and all the way up to my brain. The worst part about this procedure, other than what they may find, was that I was awake. I was only mildly sedated but I remember being in there and I remember the doctor talking to me during the procedure. It didn’t hurt but I still remember the sensation of the doctor pushing on my leg, at least that’s how it felt. As the procedure was happening I was praying that they didn’t have to do anything. The doctor said the words I longed to hear. He said the bleed resolved itself, so no coil or clamp needed. I was relieved but little did I know that the worst had yet to come. Don’t get me wrong, I was on the path to healing but the pain and recovery that was yet to come would be intense.

What I didn’t know is that when blood is outside of the veins, it causes pain. A lot of pain. The healing process for this type of bleed is long. The blood needs to reabsorb into the body. The doctor told me that the process of reabsorbing would take approximately 3 weeks. I thought that after 3 weeks of time I would be completely fine and back to normal life. And NOPE, that was not accurate. The pain in my head would come and go with varying levels of intensity but it was always there. Side note: my headaches would last for a year a half, daily. As the blood in my head reabsorbed, some of the blood drained into my spinal cord. Which is normal and expected. I couldn’t walk when this happened and needed assistance to do everything. This meant I needed help 24/7 for myself and Averie. This was certainly not what I had envisioned for myself and baby but I was grateful to be alive and know that I would most likely heal with no life long complications or limitations. I was expected to make a full recovery!

I was released from the hospital after 4 days and sent home but I had to take a pill every 2 hours for 22 days to prevent vasospasm. A vasospasm occurs when a brain blood vessel narrows, blocking blood flow. This can cause stroke. In addition to dealing with the physical pain of recovery, this was another stressor. Thinking that at any moment you could have a stroke was terrifying to me. Let me just say the first month following the Brian bleed was a nightmare. The next 6 months were not so great but I was getting better each day. I did find moments to enjoy my baby and was lucky to be with her all the time, even if I couldn’t be the one to take care of her 100% of the time.

Of course there is more to this story but if you have made it this far, thank you for listening. I will share more in time. I have had to process a lot of feelings surrounding this brain bleed. The event itself was traumatic but the healing process brought it’s own set of traumatic experiences. I went through numerous MRIs,CT scans, medication (in the beginning) and anxiety of recovering from such a terrible experience. I can say today that I am 99% back! The other 1% is the occasional headache and then fear can creep in. If you have to have a brain bleed then I am one of the lucky ones. I do not suffer from headaches daily like the neurologist said I might. I am all me again! I am beyond grateful that I am alive to watch my daughter grow and be the Mommy I always dreamed of being.

-Tracy @Mommytracerq